cigsandbeer | IC INBOX

"Whatever!"

Gojyo is making his insecurity about them? It's the two of them that can't leave it alone and keep commenting on it to Gojyo! He doesn't stop, although he pauses in his steps enough to make sure they can hear him:

"You're both oh-so-okay with it, and then you keep making fucking jokes! Fucking hypocrites!"

"Go on," Hakkai calls at Gojyo's retreating back, "why don't you tell me what jokes I've made, because I've been serious about this the whole time!"

And, actually, he would like to know what Gojyo thinks he was joking about.

"I wasn't joking either," Jedao puts in, although his voice is small and uncertain, rather than angry. He crawls out from under the foosball table and up to the threshhold, leaning over it to press his shoulder against Hakkai's leg, get a supportive hand on his ankle.

"Do you want me to stop him running away?" he adds to Hakkai in a whisper that Gojyo can probably hear anyway.

There's no need to stop Gojyo: after one more angry stomp, the next is more of a step, until he stops completely. Furiously puffing his cigarette.

No way. No fucking way is this for real. They're trying to pull the stupidest fucking joke in all existence.

But. Some things maybe kind of makes sense, if it's not a joke.

Give him a moment to respond. Or turn around, for that matter.

"No, don't stop him," Hakkai says quietly to Jedao - though not so quietly that he can't be overheard, either. If Gojyo doesn't want to talk, forcing him to stay won't help.

He is angry. But he's a little hurt, too, and the colorless quiet of his tone gives it away.

"Okay, but -" Jedao starts, and doesn't know how to finish. You're such a pain, Gojyo had said, but he'd turned up anyway, even though Jedao is fine, really, would have drunk himself into a stupor and been fine tomorrow. Why did you come, he wants to ask, and doesn't, because it's hard to imagine any answer that isn't a deflection, isn't insisting he doesn't care, and it'll hurt Hakkai that he said it, even if it isn't true.

But they don't want him to go, maybe, is the truest end to that sentence. It doesn't seem to matter, though.

It's that colourless note to Hakkai's tone that does it - Gojyo knows that to be genuine hurt, and it's subtle enough not to be fake.

After a moment, he turns around to face them, face part-dubious, part-astounded.

"If..." He tries again: "If you two are pulling my leg, I'm kicking both of your heads in."

"Did you really think it was a joke?" Hakkai says in return, bewildered. His hand slips down to Jedao's hair and rests there butterfly-light, seeking reassurance as much as offering it. A joke.

Well, it does put a different spin on the way Gojyo's gotten uncomfortable and angry every time either of them have tried to say anything on the topic. He'd thought they both understood what they'd been saying -- yes, Hakkai'd talked around directly admitting his feelings, but that's how they talk to each other. Yes, Gojyo had talked around an outright rejection, but Hakkai had been getting the message loud and clear every time: I hate the thought that you care about me more or differently than Goku and Sanzo, I'm not into men, if I am into men it's none of your business.

Did he really think it was a joke, all this time?

"I'm not joking," Jedao says, giving Hakkai's ankle a little squeeze of reassurance in turn. "I'm dead serious and scared of saying anything half the time because it seems like you'll laugh anyway."

And since they aren't joking, Gojyo laughing must mean they are the joke.

"I--"

Gojyo takes half a step back in the face of Hakkai's outright anger. Then, defensively:

"W-well, yeah, obviously! You were going on about me carrying men to bed and, and-- saying I must've been scared to be hit on--

What the hell else was I supposed to think??"

"That you were the person I cared most about for years, and that never meant you had to care about me as anything but a friend, but it's still a little much to realize all the times you told me I shouldn't take something the wrong way because you don't like men just meant you didn't want me, specifically," Hakkai says, and -- well, it does come out a little angrier than he'd meant it to.

He might still be angry about it, as much as he's been trying to swallow it down.

He swallows again, and adds, because it's true, "You don't have to-- I value you. As a friend. But I felt like a fool."

He and Jedao had been the joke, and Hakkai doesn't like being the joke.

"You were...supposed to think we were, were being gracious. About being turned down. But we're very bad at it, actually."

Jedao has been learning a lot about himself lately, on that score. And Hakkai obviously has been white-knuckling through the rejection the whole time.

"...I could be, though, if it's...just me, I don't..." It's hard enough to phrase this when he's sober.

So. Jedao's earlier texts did prepare Gojyo somewhat for the possibility of... this.

Well, so Gojyo thought. Actually hearing it straight out of Hakkai's mouth is--

He's not even paying Jedao any mind right now; he just stares at Hakkai.

"But-- you..."

(Between the two of them, maybe Jedao is the more coherent.)

Hakkai shrugs prosaically.

"Well, it is an open marriage."

Maybe that's not the right guess - there are a lot of things that could have followed that "but" - but it's certainly the one that's the easiest to answer.

Jedao can see Gojyo fully not reacting to what he's said, which is frankly a bit of a relief. He relaxes a little more, still leaning against Hakkai's leg, trying to be a simple reassuring presence without interrupting.

"That's not--"

That's not what he meant.

"...Hell, Hakkai, how was I supposed to know??"

They'd lived together for three years and been on the journey West for over a year before Hakkai so much as entertained the idea of maybe someday finding someone besides Kanan out loud. And...

"Y-you know what it's like at home."

The thought of being with another guy is a joke, there.

"I know." Hakkai lets out a breath, looking away. "At home-- it never seemed worth it to say anything."

Not that Hakkai minds having a lover he has to lie to the neighbors about. He's done that before, but - Gojyo insisted he didn't like men, even in private. Hakkai hadn't exactly committed to having a future, much less taking steps towards a particular goal. They'd all been far too likely to die in the journey to do anything as foolish as make plans.

"But I thought you knew by now. I've been trying to tell you."

What else is I don't want to live without you but I love you, in any language?

"I didn't know! I didn't realise--"

He's an idiot. Hakkai's an idiot. One of them is a bigger idiot than the other, and Gojyo's not sure which one of them it is. A case could be made in either direction.

Hakkai isn't saying 'I think you're hot and I want to fuck you'. He's saying... You were the person I cared most about. He's saying--

Gojyo drags a hand through his hair for lack of a better thing to do.

"Well," Hakkai says after a long moment. His hand on Jedao's head has been absently petting his hair; it goes still as he speaks. "Now you know."

Now what?

"You came here to help bring me home," Jedao murmurs, since they seem to be grinding to an impasse. "So do it. Come home with us."

With a hopefully-gentle buffer of ambiguity between physically to their cabin right now and working up to confirm for the future forever. It's got to be better than standing around having revelations in the hallway, at least.

Now what?

Of course Gojyo--

Hakkai is his most important person; he's counted on them being stuck with each other for the rest of their lives. And of course Hakkai is hot, anyone with eyes can see that. And, after that Flood where Jedao thought he'd taken Hakkai's place in Gojyo's life and with the things he was insinuating, it's not like the thought hasn't...

He looks completely lost for words until Jedao chimes in.

"...Um. You're. You're gonna need someone with actual muscles to carry that guy if he can't walk himself, anyway."

Fine, he'll go with them. The hallway is a shitty place to talk.

"I appreciate the help," Hakkai says with pitch-perfect earnestness: Yes, that's a good excuse, let's use it.

It's better to have this conversation out of the hallways, anyway. And Hakkai isn't foolish enough to reject a yes, no matter how careful. He's more comfortable with careful himself.

(Jedao is brave. But Jedao is also quite drunk.)

"Come on," he says to Jedao with a crooked smile, "you'll have to stand up before we can go anywhere..."

"I caaaan't," Jedao whines, even though he definitely can, reaching his arms out for Gojyo to scoop him, hugely relieved to know what part he's supposed to be playing now.

This inability to stand smells like bullshit.

Even so, Gojyo walks back into the Engine Room and reaches to scoop Jedao up, bridal-carry. Jedao is tiny; it's barely any effort.

Hakkai steps out of the way to let Gojyo get Jedao, then falls in beside him as he leaves the engine room, letting the door close behind them.

Very carefully, he lets his shoulder brush against Gojyo's as they walk, a silent question: we're still okay, right?

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