cigsandbeer | IC INBOX

"I'll join you in just a minute," Hakkai assures them, and leans over the back of the couch to brush a kiss against Jedao's temple before he escapes the few steps to their kitchen. It's not a big cabin, not when it had once been meant for a single occupant on a space station, but as small as the distance is between living room and kitchen it still comes as a shameful relief.

Rejection hurts, but rejection is easy: it changes nothing. This not-yet-certain state... there's panic bubbling at the back of his throat, threatening to overflow at the least provocation. He needs the space and the time, even if only a few steps and a few minutes for water to boil, before he can face the terror of that empty space in the middle of the couch, hemmed in left and right.

By the time he returns with a full teapot and a few cups -- he plans to press a cup on Jedao in lieu of making him drink water, after that vile nearly-pure-ethanol he'd been working his way through -- he's calm enough that he can sit in the place they'd left for him.

Calm enough, even, to confess as he's pouring the tea, "I don't know what to do now."

Jedao pulls his legs up onto the couch, one folded up, one stretched out temporarily across Hakkai's space, as if to maybe try playing footsie with Gojyo's knee, although he doesn't actually make contact. His eyes are still slightly red-rimmed from bawling over Auntie Istradez earlier, but he seems much steadier, or at least he's feeling less sorry for himself.

"Just give me a thumb's up if you want me to roll off to the bedroom so y'all can make out in private," Jedao whispers, quickly and very quietly. "But otherwise I'm staying so he has to actually tell you what he's trying to tell you."

Clearly letting Hakkai go off and have these conversations all alone was a mistake. When he can feel Hakkai picking up the tea to rejoin them, he retracts his leg, leaning back over the arm of the couch to look at him as he approaches with a slightly dopey smile and he melts into, looking at Hakkai.

During the few minutes Hakkai is away preparing tea, Gojyo finishes another cigarette without asking if it's okay to smoke instead of getting up and walking out. And while his hearing is good, it's thankfully not good enough to catch the words of such a quiet whisper.

Really, shouldn't Hakkai focus on putting his stupid husband to bed? But then, Jedao seems it much better spirits now...

"Um. Look, I..."

.........

................

This cup of tea is so fascinating.

Hakkai hands Jedao the second cup and settles back deep into the couch with his own, hands wrapped around the warmth of the teacup and legs crossed primly above the knee.

Mostly to his tea, he confesses, "More than anything, I don't want to lose you as a friend. Or to make you feel as if you have to do anything about my feelings to keep my friendship."

He pauses for a moment to reconsider before adding, more briskly, "Although it would be nice not to be surprised by finding out you're dating someone. But I don't--

"What do you want, Gojyo?"

That's what he doesn't understand. His cards are on the table; it's Gojyo's turn to show his hand.

A little green leaf-shaped ash tray scoots through the air onto the low table after the first few puffs, while Jedao stares at Gojyo, trying to parse his lack of reaction, not quite realizing he's overshot in his efforts not to let Hakkai hear until Hakkai is already on his way back in.

When Hakkai sits down between them, Jedao drinks all his tea in one long gulp so that Hakkai won't have to fret about him having liquids, then drapes bonelessly against his back, one arm slung loosely around his waist. A solid, warm presence to hopefully help him be brave, but also gently nudging him in a suggestion to maybe face Gojyo.

Edited 2025-10-04 15:04 (UTC)

"I ain't dating anyone", Gojyo mutters, as if he and Armand aren't going on regular dates. Er, that's besides the point. He tries to power through how mortifying it is that Jedao is right there listening to all this. The most mortifying parts are already past them, really.

"It's not like I don't--" Like he doesn't love Hakkai.

It's horrendously unfair that Jedao is the only one drunk right now.

"I've... I've been assuming for years now that if we survive the journey, we'd be stuck with each other for the rest of our lives."

Maybe they wouldn't always be living together if Hakkai found a wife, but... still.

"Obviously things have changed, but I don't wanna... make a mess of things. You're not just some chick."

Not a one-night stand that Gojyo can just forget about if things turn sour.

"You and I..." Hakkai dares to dart a glance Gojyo's way, out of the corner of his eye, but still doesn't turn to look at him completely.

"We've messed things up before, but we've made up, too. It's not so easy to scare me away if I know you don't want me to go."

He takes a breath, and adds, in a smaller voice, "I still want to be stuck with you for the rest of my life."

He doesn't know if that's still what Gojyo wants - they still haven't really talked out the details, of Hakkai and Jedao leaving their world behind, and whether Gojyo would be willing to come - but....

"That's what - that's what I meant. When I asked you to come with us, back then."

Speaking of messing things up.

"I know."

He knows all of that. That Hakkai wants him in his life, that he doesn't quit easily, what he meant when he asked Gojyo to come with them, that they've messed things up in the past but managed to bounce back...

"It's just... you know me. I don't mix sex, and-- you know."

Actual genuine feelings. And whatever he is feeling for Hakkai, those feelings are genuine. Sure, the reason he doesn't mix those things is because it's scary to do so, but well.

Hakkai takes a deep breath and tilts his head back to look up at the ceiling, avoiding both Jedao's gaze and Gojyo's.

"I care for you," he says, plainly. "Very much. I don't need that to mean sex, or romance, or - anything you don't want from me. But I do want to know you care about me too, and I want you in my life as long as we live. Anything else is - is extra."

Jedao's been pushing for him to want the extra, and he's felt that Gojyo was telling him he couldn't have what he did want, but--

But really, that's all. That would be enough.

"Fuck it, Hakkai", Gojyo says, burying his head in his hands. "You're the most important person in my life, bar none."

That... that doesn't mean that the idea of loosening up those lines of "sex" versus "feelings" isn't still very scary.

That's exactly what Hakkai said he wanted: his nod is small and careful, as he interrogates his own feelings.

"It's probably stupid to ask," he says, at last, even more to his teacup than previously. "But... it doesn't bother you, does it? That I feel the way I do?"

"No", Gojyo answers a little too quickly to be entirely truthful, eager not to start a fight.

...

"--It's a bit weird", he amends after a few moments.

"But that's 'cause I don't... like change."

"I know," Hakkai admits, turning just a little to look at Gojyo directly for the first time; a little smile touches his lips. "But I don't - it doesn't have to make things different. Just... if you want, you would be welcome. Always, for me."

Gojyo too risks looking Hakkai in the eye for a moment.

He's used to people leaving him. But Hakkai chose to go after him all those years ago when he brought the umbrella, and he hasn't left since. He has a husband now, and he's leaving their world, and he still doesn't want to leave Gojyo. Even if he wants more than Gojyo would give, he's still not leaving him.

He's proven enough times by now that he intends to stay that Gojyo really should let himself believe him, shouldn't he?

"...Okay."

No 'let me think about it', no 'maybe someday', no 'let me get used to the idea first'. He'll trust that Hakkai really means what he says, even if Gojyo's answer is 'no'.

"Okay," Hakkai agrees, slumping back against Jedao's comforting weight at his back, and looks down at his teacup.

Rather mournfully, he remarks, "It doesn't seem fair that you're the only one who's been drinking tonight, Jedao-shei."

Tea is very calming but some hard conversations do actually call for alcohol. Especially now that they've been accomplished without anyone misunderstanding, shouting, or walking out.

"Such are the rewards of foresight," Jedao says loftily. "Shall I fetch y'all one bottle or two?"

"Please," Gojyo immediately says. He feels like a wrung-out rag that's sprinted a marathon-- okay, that simile makes no sense. But that's what it feels like, and all they've done is sit one the couch and talk.

"Two, please," Hakkai says firmly. Their couch isn't small but fitting three people on it means they'd have to actually try if they wanted to avoid each other's personal space, and Hakkai is accepting that excuse to not avoid Gojyo's. He might be leaning on Jedao, but he's leaving his knee where it is, casually resting against Gojyo's leg.

Jedao gives him a little squeeze and kisses the nape of Hakkai's neck before sliding off the couch. He could float some alcohol in, of course, and maintain the pretense of being too drunk to walk, but they've been very brave, and he wants to give them a moment of feeling unobserved, even if Hakkai, at least, knows Jedao can check the room cameras. He gives Gojyo's shoulder a little tentative pat on his way past, a small affectionate-acknowledgement gesture.

"Thanks for coming to get me," he says, warm as it is soft, even though he didn't need it, because Gojyo came because he cared. Then he's gone through the doorway into the study to get them something nice from his stash.

"I just didn't have anything better to do with my evening", Gojyo protests half-heartedly with no real defensiveness in his tone.

As Jedao disappears into the kitchen Gojyo sighs deeply, like he really did run a marathon, and finally relaxes somewhat into the couch. After a moment, he does press his own leg just a little into Hakkai's. It is rather cramped, after all.

Hakkai hums agreement as he lets himself relax bonelessly back into the couch.

"Well, I've spent worse evenings," he remarks, with a quirk of a smile. The bar for Hakkai's worst evening is very low, and Gojyo was there, so he knows - but this, even if it was difficult.... It's not so bad.

If Gojyo's letting himself press his leg back against Hakkai's, well, Hakkai's not being careful about whether flopping back into the cushions means leaning against Gojyo's shoulder or not, either. He lifts his teacup and downs the rest of the tepid tea in a single gulp, leaving it empty for liquor.

After a moment, he raises his voice to call, "Jeep? You can come sit with us."

Jeep chirps loudly from the corner of the room where his bed is nestled on a bookshelf, and where - Hakkai suspects - he's been watching to see if any of his people need an off-road vehicle dropped on their heads to make them stop being stupid. A rustle of leathery wings, and the little dragon comes soaring in towards the back of the couch.

Right, the stupid tea. Gojyo didn't even so much as touch it while it was still hot. But since sacrifices must be made for the sake of alcohol, he likewise tosses his tea back in two quick gulps and makes a face over it. Well, ot could be worse: it could be cold coffee.

"Hey," he greets Jeep, and doesn't even feel bad that he didn't think to wonder where the little dragon was. Jeep can take care of himself.

"It's bad manners to eaves-drop."

"Well, he won't tell anyone," Hakkai says. "Will you, Jeep?"

With another chirp, Jeep eels forward to settle half on Hakkai's shoulder, tiny claws pricking through the fabric of his dress shirt, and half on Gojyo's. His tail is definitely in Gojyo's face.

Hakkai politely doesn't laugh about it out loud.

Is this the first time Jeep's tail has been in Gojyo's face? Probably not.

"Uff", he grumbles, but only brushes the tail off his face without further comment. But, well, he guesses their shoulders will just have to continue touching now or it'd disturb Jeep's chosen resting spot.

Hakkai does let himself chuckle at that, settling in more securely and reaching a hand up to stroke Jeep's mane.

"How did the breach treat you?" he inquires, while they're waiting on the alcohol. An easier subject seems like a good idea just now. "I was a teacher. And a spymaster, though I think I liked the teaching better...."

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