cigsandbeer | IC INBOX

"Well, that's fucking great to hear, 'cause I'm sure he'll be so happy when you tell him!"

Gojyo stands up, his chain making an awful scraping sound as he pushes it back.

"TWO YEARS together every day" -- and everything they went through together -- "and you're gonna drop them just 'cause our world isn't fucking perfect?"

"I'm not dropping them," Hakkai murmurs. He's still looking down at his drink, expression going carefully immobile by increments.

"I'm planning to move away, and come back to visit. That's all."

"Yeah? Sorry, but singling one of the group out as worth keeping around while the other two are unimportant enough to bother with like five times a year sure sounds like dropping them to me!"

Does Gojyo recognise Hakkai slowly shutting down as a sigh that he's likely to snap soon? Of course, and the smart thing to do if he doesn't want this to completely blow up would be to back down, but he's so fucking disappointed--

"But if putting it as 'just moving away' makes you feel better, then sure, go ahead!"

Hakkai's shoulders draw in slightly.

"All right," is all he says, at last. His voice is still quiet, as calm as his expression. He pushes the beer away, glass scraping on the wood of the table. "Thank you for coming."

It's not as if he can't understand that Gojyo is saying, I won't leave them, and how dare you. It's not as if he can't figure out that the answer is no.

He doesn't want to fight. He's not certain he could stand to.

"All right? THAT'S IT?

Damn it, Hakkai, you can't just--"

He can't just leave Sanzo and Goku behind, like they're some distant cousins you only see at family gatherings! He can't just spring this on Gojyo and expect him to choose -- he'd choose Hakkai, but why the hell does any of them have to choose?

"Fuck you!"

Hakkai folds his arms on the table, avoiding Gojyo's gaze.

"I'm sorry," he says, meaninglessly. A sinkhole has opened somewhere in his chest. He can feel himself teetering vertiginously over vast depths.

It's all right, of course. Gojyo is-- allowed to make his own choices. He's going to have to convince Jedao not to drag him anywhere by the hair, though.

He shifts his weight, rubs one hand hard over his face, and presses a shaky giggle back where it had come from.

"Oh yeah, I can TELL how fucking sorry you are", Gojyo shouts with an aggressive sweep of his arm.

"Well, congratulations on finding someone so great he's worth throwing everyone else away -- I hope you'll be EVER SO HAPPY living out your domestic life in whatever perfect world you choose!"

"I want you with me!" Hakkai's chair falls over backwards as he comes to his feet, his voice cracking on the last word. He swallows. Forces his voice even. Opens his mouth again.

"I don't want to live in our world." No world will be perfect. People aren't perfect. But living someplace where no one knows or cares what a youkai is, where he doesn't have to choose between hiding forever and being run out of town by fearful neighbors -- living someplace where no one cares he's married to a man of another species....

He's spent long enough away not to want to go back to the everyday routine of lies and fear.

"All that's worth keeping in my life is the three of you," he says, much more quietly, his voice flawing and fracturing around the admission again. "Sanzo wouldn't come. He has responsibilities, and Goku wouldn't leave him."

And, although he doesn't say it aloud, Gojyo is the one who Hakkai wants with him the most.

--Whoa, Gojyo wasn't prepared for the sudden emotional honesty. It takes him aback enough that it throws him off his anger somewhat.

"...Well, yeah, obviously they're not gonna come, that's why you-- we gotta go back home to them!

SO WHAT if it's not the greatest place in existence, it's still where--"

It's where they can all be together. It could be the objectively worst place in all the worlds, and it'd still be where they can all be together. Why does that matter so little to Hakkai?!

Gojyo hasn't had the luxury of years living in a less prejudiced place. And even back home he has, perhaps, had the dubious luck of most people not recognising on sight what an abnormality he is.

"What the hell is so awful about home that you'd be prepared to give those two up?!"

"... do you think," Hakkai says at last, "that if I took my limiters off in the market back home, I'd be able to go on living in Chang'an afterwards?"

Because he doubts it himself. And it's one of the largest cities around, one of the best protected, where youkai had been a regular sight before the Minus Wave.

"I don't want to keep hiding forever. I want to live peacefully, and I'm not youkai enough to live in a youkai village." And he wouldn't subject Jedao to that, but even without Jedao, it would have been... hard to fit back into that life. Familiar, but no less painful for that.

...Well, no, probably not, not with how things are now. But...

"And if the wrong person knew about my hair and eyes and spread it around I'd be a pariah, BIG DEAL. It hasn't happened, and if anything happens, we'll just figure it out!"

"I know it's the same for you," Hakkai says, after a moment, his voice low. "I don't... I've gotten used to it not mattering.

"I don't like it when it matters, anymore. That's what's wrong with home."

It matters to almost everyone there. Having Sanzo and Goku near enough to visit a few times a week would be... fine. Nice. But not really enough to compensate for a lifetime of isolation outside of the few people he's close to.

"But-- but once the Minus Wave clears up and the youkai go back to normal, things will--

It'll take some time, but things will go back to normal, and the humans won't be scared of youkai anymore."

He says, as if he doesn't know it'll likely take decades if not even longer, if things ever go back to normal. Gojyo's existence would still be taboo, but if people would at least be fine with Hakkai and Goku... His words sound like a little kid's pleading even to his own ears.

"Damnn it, Hakkai, even if it's not perfect, how is that enough to leave Sanzo and Goku??"

Edited 2024-09-18 06:14 (UTC)

"That's why I want to visit."

To keep the people who matter, without condemning himself and Jedao to all the parts of his own world he doesn't want to live with.

"Gojyo... is it really that different from living down in the city, when they'll be busy and so will we?" It's a genuine question. To Hakkai, it's not that different. A greater distance, but as long as they have a way to cover that distance....

"Of course it's fucking different! What if they're in trouble with no way to reach us, and we're three months away from our next visit?

You're really okay with something happening to either of them while you're off in some peaceful world with no idea what's going on at home?"

Edited 2024-09-18 14:43 (UTC)

Hakkai doesn't exactly flinch, but he does go still, just for a moment.

It's not that he thinks he'll be the deciding factor against trouble that Sanzo and Goku can't handle between them; Sanzo is more likely to get hurt and Goku less skilled at planning, but Sanzo's sutras hold far more power than Hakkai has and Goku is the stronger fighter.

It's the idea of not knowing when he's needed that cuts deep. And -- the reminder. He won't know, now, if Eiffel needs him. Not ever again. He won't know when Eiffel dies.

After a moment, not quite meeting Gojyo's eyes, he says, "What if they had a way to contact us? Or come to see us on their own?"

Upset thought he may be, Gojyo doesn't miss how Hakkai goes momentarily still. That struck something, huh.

"Well, I got no clue how generous the big boss is about that stuff! He want multiple Deals for that kinda set-up, or what?"

He feels his hands shake, and-- fuck it, he needs a smoke. He digs through his pockets, fishes up a cigarette and lights it. It's only the two of them here anyway. He turns away from Hakkai, just slightly, as he takes a drag.

...His questions struck something. Hakkai's the smartest of them all, he's had all the time in the world to plan this out, and even then...

"So what, it didn't occur to you to wonder what'd happen if those two ever needed help until just now?"

What the hell, Hakkai.

"I trust Sanzo and Goku to take care of themselves," Hakkai says bluntly. "I don't think they'll need my help once we get back. Except perhaps to help catch local bandits, and I'm sure they can find someone else to do that."

But, if it makes Gojyo feel better to know they could call if they needed it....

He shrugs a little. "I've considered... something like a set of keys. That could open doors between where we are and where the other person is. I think that would only be one deal, and asking for them also to send voices like the communicators shouldn't be that big of a change."

He's avoiding the topic of why he had flinched. He knows it's obvious.

That doesn't explain the flinching, no, but Gojyo doesn't have context for any other reason Hakkai might have flinched. He turns back to stare at Hakkai, clearly agitated.

"Uh huh, and you didn't think to lead with that idea?"

Magical keys that would essentially make Sanzo and Goku their next-door neighbours is kind of different from only seeing them on holidays.

"I didn't realize it would make that big a difference," Hakkai says, a little stiffly, avoiding Gojyo's gaze. He'd said he wanted a way to travel between their worlds to visit. Holidays was just....

Well, it was just the frequency he'd assumed they would see each other anyway, after the journey was done. Sanzo and Goku have important things to do that have nothing to do with Gojyo and Hakkai. Hakkai has never really liked being Sanzo's on-call enforcer for handling thieves and other temple problems, and doesn't mind the idea of missing those meetings. Goku is old enough not to need arithmetic lessons anymore.

So. Either that's a lie and Hakkai hadn't thought about until Gojyo protested and so scrambled to come up with a more acceptable solution. Or Hakkai is being honest and really is completely fine seeing those two only once in a blue moon. I didn't realise it would make that big a difference indeed.

Gojyo takes a long drag of his cigarette.

"You know," he says after a long moment, "at first I figured: 'he's been here for like two years; it makes sense that some things would be different'. But I really don't even know you anymore."

He turns away. Heads for the door. Without looking back, he raises his cigarette in a wave goodbye.

"Thanks for the beer."

Hakkai stays where he is, standing beside the table, for a long, silent moment as Gojyo leaves.

Then, quiet and mechanical, he turns back to clear away the barely-touched beer bottles, and drops them off at the bar for disposal before he also lets himself out.

Perhaps it's better now that he knows.

But... it does hurt.

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