cigsandbeer | IC INBOX

"... do you think," Hakkai says at last, "that if I took my limiters off in the market back home, I'd be able to go on living in Chang'an afterwards?"

Because he doubts it himself. And it's one of the largest cities around, one of the best protected, where youkai had been a regular sight before the Minus Wave.

"I don't want to keep hiding forever. I want to live peacefully, and I'm not youkai enough to live in a youkai village." And he wouldn't subject Jedao to that, but even without Jedao, it would have been... hard to fit back into that life. Familiar, but no less painful for that.

...Well, no, probably not, not with how things are now. But...

"And if the wrong person knew about my hair and eyes and spread it around I'd be a pariah, BIG DEAL. It hasn't happened, and if anything happens, we'll just figure it out!"

"I know it's the same for you," Hakkai says, after a moment, his voice low. "I don't... I've gotten used to it not mattering.

"I don't like it when it matters, anymore. That's what's wrong with home."

It matters to almost everyone there. Having Sanzo and Goku near enough to visit a few times a week would be... fine. Nice. But not really enough to compensate for a lifetime of isolation outside of the few people he's close to.

"But-- but once the Minus Wave clears up and the youkai go back to normal, things will--

It'll take some time, but things will go back to normal, and the humans won't be scared of youkai anymore."

He says, as if he doesn't know it'll likely take decades if not even longer, if things ever go back to normal. Gojyo's existence would still be taboo, but if people would at least be fine with Hakkai and Goku... His words sound like a little kid's pleading even to his own ears.

"Damnn it, Hakkai, even if it's not perfect, how is that enough to leave Sanzo and Goku??"

Edited 2024-09-18 06:14 (UTC)

"That's why I want to visit."

To keep the people who matter, without condemning himself and Jedao to all the parts of his own world he doesn't want to live with.

"Gojyo... is it really that different from living down in the city, when they'll be busy and so will we?" It's a genuine question. To Hakkai, it's not that different. A greater distance, but as long as they have a way to cover that distance....

"Of course it's fucking different! What if they're in trouble with no way to reach us, and we're three months away from our next visit?

You're really okay with something happening to either of them while you're off in some peaceful world with no idea what's going on at home?"

Edited 2024-09-18 14:43 (UTC)

Hakkai doesn't exactly flinch, but he does go still, just for a moment.

It's not that he thinks he'll be the deciding factor against trouble that Sanzo and Goku can't handle between them; Sanzo is more likely to get hurt and Goku less skilled at planning, but Sanzo's sutras hold far more power than Hakkai has and Goku is the stronger fighter.

It's the idea of not knowing when he's needed that cuts deep. And -- the reminder. He won't know, now, if Eiffel needs him. Not ever again. He won't know when Eiffel dies.

After a moment, not quite meeting Gojyo's eyes, he says, "What if they had a way to contact us? Or come to see us on their own?"

Upset thought he may be, Gojyo doesn't miss how Hakkai goes momentarily still. That struck something, huh.

"Well, I got no clue how generous the big boss is about that stuff! He want multiple Deals for that kinda set-up, or what?"

He feels his hands shake, and-- fuck it, he needs a smoke. He digs through his pockets, fishes up a cigarette and lights it. It's only the two of them here anyway. He turns away from Hakkai, just slightly, as he takes a drag.

...His questions struck something. Hakkai's the smartest of them all, he's had all the time in the world to plan this out, and even then...

"So what, it didn't occur to you to wonder what'd happen if those two ever needed help until just now?"

What the hell, Hakkai.

"I trust Sanzo and Goku to take care of themselves," Hakkai says bluntly. "I don't think they'll need my help once we get back. Except perhaps to help catch local bandits, and I'm sure they can find someone else to do that."

But, if it makes Gojyo feel better to know they could call if they needed it....

He shrugs a little. "I've considered... something like a set of keys. That could open doors between where we are and where the other person is. I think that would only be one deal, and asking for them also to send voices like the communicators shouldn't be that big of a change."

He's avoiding the topic of why he had flinched. He knows it's obvious.

That doesn't explain the flinching, no, but Gojyo doesn't have context for any other reason Hakkai might have flinched. He turns back to stare at Hakkai, clearly agitated.

"Uh huh, and you didn't think to lead with that idea?"

Magical keys that would essentially make Sanzo and Goku their next-door neighbours is kind of different from only seeing them on holidays.

"I didn't realize it would make that big a difference," Hakkai says, a little stiffly, avoiding Gojyo's gaze. He'd said he wanted a way to travel between their worlds to visit. Holidays was just....

Well, it was just the frequency he'd assumed they would see each other anyway, after the journey was done. Sanzo and Goku have important things to do that have nothing to do with Gojyo and Hakkai. Hakkai has never really liked being Sanzo's on-call enforcer for handling thieves and other temple problems, and doesn't mind the idea of missing those meetings. Goku is old enough not to need arithmetic lessons anymore.

So. Either that's a lie and Hakkai hadn't thought about until Gojyo protested and so scrambled to come up with a more acceptable solution. Or Hakkai is being honest and really is completely fine seeing those two only once in a blue moon. I didn't realise it would make that big a difference indeed.

Gojyo takes a long drag of his cigarette.

"You know," he says after a long moment, "at first I figured: 'he's been here for like two years; it makes sense that some things would be different'. But I really don't even know you anymore."

He turns away. Heads for the door. Without looking back, he raises his cigarette in a wave goodbye.

"Thanks for the beer."

Hakkai stays where he is, standing beside the table, for a long, silent moment as Gojyo leaves.

Then, quiet and mechanical, he turns back to clear away the barely-touched beer bottles, and drops them off at the bar for disposal before he also lets himself out.

Perhaps it's better now that he knows.

But... it does hurt.

IC INBOX

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]

Re: [Evening, mid-September]