cigsandbeer | IC INBOX

[Quietly]

You didn't bring her here, Gojyo. It was this ship that pulled her from her rest, not you.

You're not responsible for anything that happened to her here because of her choices.

I did try to explain.

[She'd attacked him for telling her that her older son wasn't on board. Beyond drugging and restraining her... after a moment, he looks away.]

What would you rather I do?

--I don't know! You could've left her on a bed instead of on a cold closet floor!

[After a moment, Gojyo drops back onto his chair and buries his face in one hand. Takes a deep breath.

If the breath sounds somewhat ragged and suspiciously like a sob, that's a trick of the light.]

[Slightly more gently:] ...Fuck, I should be apologising for you having to kill her.

[Instead of being angry. Things Gojyo and Dokugakuji have in common: unreasonable beliefs of their responsibilities towards their mother.]

Edited 2024-06-27 17:02 (UTC)

It would have been very hard for her to hurt herself struggling in the closet.

[It's empty, after all. And it's small: she couldn't fall, she couldn't get tangled in anything. The worst she could have done is kick and bruise herself.]

On a bed, even if I'd tied her hands, she could've fallen or tangled herself in the blankets, and if I wasn't there....

[He had been thinking about her, in part. Just not about her emotional comfort. He looks away, voice dropping to a quieter level.]

Gojyo. You don't have to apologize to me for anything that she did or anything that I did.

[Neither his mother's choices nor Hakkai's are Gojyo's fault.]

...Yeah, well.

[Sure, Gojyo isn't responsible for Hakkai's or his mom's choices, and it was the Admiral who brought her here, but Gojyo was the one who agreed to come to the Barge, and the Admiral would never have brought her here if Gojyo wasn't present (at least if he's understanding the recent flood correctly). So it's still because of him, no matter what Hakkai says.]

Couldn't you at least have left her a pillow? A blanket?

I could have, but I didn't.

Honestly... I was hoping she wouldn't come back until you came back.

[That honesty is more quiet, delivered mostly to his coffee cup before he drowns it with a scalding swallow.]

Uh-huh. That makes two of us.

[The very thought of his mom waking up alone and scared and tied up in a closet is enough to make him feel sick with guilt.]

...If... if there's a next time. Leave her a goddamn pillow and blanket. Even if it means I'm fucking comfortable for two seconds.

[Still somewhat testily. Sorry Hakkai: he's still angry, but... this at least is a bare-minimum, very reasonable boundary?]

[It's very, very reasonable. Hakkai's shoulders hunch up, briefly, somewhere between defensive and shamed. He hadn't meant that he didn't want Gojyo to be comfortable. He'd meant that he didn't want to consider Gojyo's tormentor's comfort at all-- not even if Gojyo still loved her. Because she hadn't deserved it.

His voice isn't too loud when he speaks, but it's carefully scrubbed of emotion, the way he sounds when he's having a lot of feelings and doesn't want to discuss them.]

If there's a next time, I will.

[Gojyo knows Hakkai didn't mean he didn't want Gojyo to be comfortable. He understands why Hakkai would have no compassion to spare for his mom. But, well... Hakkai's not the only one who can be pointedly hurtful with his word choices (even if Hakkai is better at it).]

Good. [Not "thank you". He goes to pour himself another cup of coffee, and takes a moment to put on the water kettle as well. Yes, his cabin probably has a proper tea kettle courtesy of Hakkai, but brewing tea Properly is too much work this morning.]

How was she? I tried lending her my cabin but she said she'd stay in the one you'd left me in, and that she had food covered.

[He's just. aware that Kanan could've been lying, and doesn't blame her for it.]

[Gojyo being pointedly hurtful... well, it happens sometimes, but every time it's a little bit like being bitten by one's own beloved family dog. Not as much painful as it is surprising.

Of course, Hakkai had probably deserved it.]

Ah... she was all right. She did end up staying in--

[A brief hesitation.]

That's my old cabin.

[...Look, sometimes you're not very good at being mean and all you can do is your best.]

--Fuck, that's why it looked so- ["familiar". Gojyo pauses long enough to finish pouring his cup of coffee, as it sinks in.

You were his home for five years.

...Yeah. Of course Hakkai would want to move out and into his husband's cabin.

.......]

I think I've got some tea bags left that aren't totally stale. [Yes, he knows bagged tea is an affront to the gods, but it's... something?]

It was just your bedroom when I got here as an inmate. [With a faintly rueful tone.] So the layout is a little off, but--

[A small shrug. He keeps his hands wrapped around the cup, even if it's almost empty. He can recognize that Gojyo's just realized-- something. That their house is still Hakkai's home? He's offering tea now, which, even if it's bagged and probably stale, means he's trying to reach out...

Hakkai is aware when he's overthinking. It doesn't always stop him, but he knows.]

I'm glad it meant she had a place to stay.

And I'd... like that. Thank you.

[Gojyo takes a few moments to rummage through his cupboards before producing a tea bag. It's some kind of fruity, flowery flavour that women tends to prefer. He returns to the table, putting his own cup of coffee down before pouring boiling water into Hakkai's cup and dunking the tea bag into it.]

...Yeah. [It's not like Gojyo knew Kanan, but he can still imagine how harrowing an experience it must have been for her. It's good she could at least have a safe place to stay.]

So you're staying at that guy's place now? [--Fuck, he said he wasn't gonna comment anymore, and reducing their relationship to 'that guy' is... probably dangerously close to commenting.]

--Jedao's, I mean.

[Being willing to mention him is something, though. Hakkai will take it, dubious as 'that guy' might be as a descriptor.]

It's, ah... yes, we moved in together last year.

His cabin door is sturdier and we have dealt with a few murderous break-ins....

[Not to mention all of the high-tech advantages it has, and the larger bed. It's not about wanting to move away from the place he'd shared with Gojyo. Although, considering-- he half-turns, glancing at Gojyo's door, which is nearly identical to his own old cabin's, and which is only a little sturdier than the one Banri had so easily kicked in years ago.]

The Admiral can probably give you a sturdier one, if you want.

[His cabin door is sturdier. Yeah, he's sure that's the only reason.]

Huh? Why? I mean, didn't you say before that people try to murder each other only like once a month?

[Gojyo can handle a measly monthly murder attempt even if he's asleep in his cabin. Probably.]

Well... yes.

[There's the very slightest hunch to Hakkai's shoulders, telegraphing a little embarrassment. The Barge has made him soft, and he knows it: not because he can't handle a monthly murder attempt, if it happens, but because he doesn't want to anymore. Not even that much, if he can avoid it.]

Actually, I've only been killed twice on board, and one of them was in a breach. I don't think that counts. I was a circus performer who couldn't even fight...

[Gojyo's grip on his cup tightens ever so slightly.]

...Uh-huh. And the second?

[He just wants to talk.]

I, ah. Lost my head during a flood. A Warden decapitated me to prevent me from killing an innocent passersby.

--Shit.

I'm... gonna be real charitable and assume there wasn't a less messy way of preventing it? [He does know what Hakkai is capable of when he's not interested in holding back...]

I didn't know anyone here, in that condition. Really, I was grateful.

[a slight pause.]

I was a little less pleased with the fact that he spent the next several months stalking me in case I lost my mind again. But, ah well. He's gone now.

Good riddance to that fucker. [Gojyo has no idea who he is and he already dislikes him!]

So was he just an overzealous weirdo, or what? I kinda figured the consensus was people can't really be held responsible for their actions during Floods.

Oh, apparently he had memory problems and could sense youki, so once he'd gotten it into his head that I was dangerous, I couldn't convince him otherwise. [A small sigh.]

I can't exactly blame him, but it was very annoying.

Most people won't hold you responsible for your actions during floods, at least.

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